Alright so as winter break is slowly coming to an end I've been doing a lot of reflection on various subjects. But I am really revved up over one thing. It is something that my friend told me last semester.
"You are the most emotionally stable person I know. You always have your shit together"
And when he said this all I thought was you have no idea what you are talking about. I do not think anyone knows how fragile my mental health is and has been for a long time. It's strange because when I think about my life and who I am, I am pretty average. I cannot complain about anything in my life because honestly my life is pretty solid. Other then ill feelings towards my father, there isn't anything that would make people say, Oh that's why you have bi-polar disorder. According doctors, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. But I always thought mental disorders were caused by psychiatric issues.
This post will be about my story, I guess. None of my friends or family know this about this aspect of my life. I am baring a little piece of me that isn't a random youtube video.
I don't really remember that much of my life before middle school. So my story starts when I am around 13 years old. One three people know this about me, but I am a self-harmer. I use present tense because I cannot say for certain that I will never do it again. I know it will always be part of me, and the scars I have might face but I will know they are there. Although I have hurt myself in 9 months, which I am very proud of. Well middle school is where i started. I moved to Florida and it was a weird experience. That is when my self harming was at its worse. As I said before I have ill feelings towards my father. And I missed him so much when I lived in Florida. I was really conflicted because I really resented him since he and my mother got divorced and now had a new happy family with another women, that I was invited to but always excluded socially from. I was really torn between two feelings. This and being a new kid in middle school was, for me, hard to deal with.
During that year my family also suffered from a the traumatic death of my niece Josline. At this point I had moved back to Providence, and had been doing well for the most part. During her funeral I made a promise to her and myself that I would not hurt myself again.
When high schooled came I had was "clean" for a few months. But second week of school is when Josline's death really hit me. It hit me hard. I remember crying, really hard. I had a million thoughts running through my head. I also remember looking for something sharp to hurt myself with. After this panic attack I decided I need to do something that would take my mind off hurting myself. I picked up theater. I spent every waking hour working with the theater company at my school. Drama happened and I left the theater company. During those two years I never cut myself, but I started getting depressed often.
Fast forward to my junior year that was when I knew something was really wrong with me. Without theater to keep me from thinking so much, I really became depressed and when i wasn't depressed I was in this weird mood of happy. Nothing bothered me, I did whatever i wanted and i didn't care how it affect me or other people. This year I developed both a sleeping disorder and an eating disorder. All i wanted to do was inflict states of mania, which meant not being home and hanging out with people who i knew would hurt me in the long run. I before 11th grade was an honor roll student. After junior year I was considering dropping out because I was on the break of flunking out. I was so unhappy and felt so sick all the time. But I will say two things happened this year that change my life. One discovering New Urban Arts secondly meeting an amazing group of people, who I consider my closest friends.
After that year my friends and New Urban Arts became my life line. If i was down I would walk through those doors I felt this rush of positive energy that made me smile. My friends showed me what real friends should be. Supportive, understanding, and generally made me feel like a kid. Senior year I received all A's, re-introduced to art and my creative practice. I felt like I was living a life worth living.
My first year in college felt like my junior year. Losing all my support systems I sank into a hole of depression. I began self-harming again, with both eating and sleeping disorder. I was lost and confused. I believe this time is worse then my junior year because new pressures were added to my life. One realizing the color of my skin being different. I obviously noticed this before, but it wasn't until that year did I understand how it really alienate me in this new community. Two being on my own really shocked me. Not having my mom to talk to when I was feeling shitty, really hurt me. I applied to different college because I thought being somewhere else would make me feel better.
Then summer '10 happened. I can not put into words how happy I was for those months. The sun, my bike, having two jobs, beginning a relationship with someone real and an internship with amazing nonprofits. Spending my days working in the son with my best friend, becoming friends with some amazing people and making art with the coolest kids on the planet. Then summer nights biking to sushi places, then listening to rad spoken word. It was perfect, in every way.I have never felt that kind of happiness, and it made me realize that I could be happy.
I promised myself that summer that the next semester would be better. I knew that my happiness depends on me being preoccupied all the time and fulfilling all my needs. That i what I did. But losing my support systems again the semester was still difficult. Towards the end of it I was feeling really down and excited to leave. Life was getting hard because all my friends from home have gotten really distracted. My best friend getting into a relationship, learning that my dad had another child outside of his second marriage, my family getting used to my brother being a diabetic. Self harming was looking really good at this point. But oddly enough My boyfriend also suffers from bi-polar disorder, but differently from me, was in a really depressed moods. Having to worry about him, kept me from hurting myself. Realizing that for him I am his support system made me put my own thoughts in-perspective. My metal disorder won't stop me from making sure he is okay.
And here I am. Still dealing with my issues, but from a different point of view. I still struggle everyday, but I know there are more important people in my life to worry about. Picking up social change has really help me keep in that mind set. In a few days I will be in New York learning about grassroot organizing, working with some rad non-profits and getting real experience that I have been craving for.
I want to thank one person who I know will possibly read this. Jenn I really think I like you more then you like me, but I have come to terms with that. You really cheer me up when I am down, and I know you never knew that. Just hearing your voice and seeing your face reminds me our time together and that there are people at home you want me around.
Thanks.
